Tuesday, November 11, 2008


Wow! I know that I struggle with change and really like things to go EXACTLY the way I want them to go. I like to say who, what, when, why and how about my schedule, kids, etc. But, having a new job (WalMart, for those who are curious ;)) means that the daily routine is going to change. Oh, how I hate that! I fret about how Laynee is doing in her new daycare and how Kylee is going to do once I get her set up with extended day at school. I realize just how precious this time with them has been. I have basically had no demands on my time that would take me away from them. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the getting away and silence without children as much as anybody else - maybe even more than your average bear- but I have really been fighting it in my spirit, this leaving my children in the care of others.

However, Laynee did fabulous yesterday when I left her in a strange place with strangers in a strange city. She was excited when I got there to pick her up (10 LONG hours later) but not frantically dragging me to the door or demanding that I hold her so that she can keep track of my exact wherabouts. She was very calm about it, just like she had been going there her whole life. I'm so proud!

And Kylee...She has just blossomed and become such a confident little creature. The adults were talking about extended day and Kylee overheard and piped up (something I am STRONGLY discouraging...) about how her friend is in extended day. She was so excited about the prospect of getting even more play time with this friend. Again, I'm so proud!

So, yesterday as I dropped Laynee of and drove away, I was driving through a veil of tears, listening to Natalie Grant and trying to talk myself down before I went and wrecked my mascara, for Pete's sake! I got to work for orientation and it was a great group of people to spend the day with. A couple other moms and 4 men from 19 to I'm guessing 50ish. We all have our stories and I find it so exciting to learn about and share them with others. But, as 5:00 neared and my new boss was still struggling to get the schedules finished, I started to get that anxious feeling. I knew I had to cross the bridge and traffic on it can be at a stand-still during rush hour. When I did finally leave work and was driving to pick up Laynee, I was just so - what's the word- ANXIOUS to see her. And, I still hadn't seen Kylee since I had dropped her off at school that morning. As soon as I put Laynee in her car seat and drove away (um, for the second time 'cause I forgot her blankie the first time...) I felt just a little bit safer, like my world was almost back to normal. It wasn't until Laynee and I were walking to the front door, Laynee shouting, "Ky...Ky...Ky...," the whole way that I knew the day was over and my world was complete. Kylee was already at the table, having just started dinner so I was blessed to get to enjoy dinner with my girls and hear about Kylee's day at school.

Yes, my life is complicated. Yes, it sometimes feels like nothing I do is ever enough, that the time I spend with my girls is just not enough. But, the feeling of togetherness that I felt last night when I got home proved that complicated or not, perfect or not this is my life. And, I love it!


DeenaL said...

Just so you know--I think you are doing fabulous considering all the changes you are going through. I still wish you were going through them here in Montana so I could see you and the girls--give you hugs when you're down and squeeze my granddaughters--but I guess I'm having to deal with some changes as well:). I love you and I'm extremely proud of you!

Heather said...

Thanks, Mom! It always boosts my spirits to hear those words from you. I wish I were there to so I could get your hugs and I know the girls do to. We love you!

Mindy said...

Geesh...here I am blubbering away at the coffee shop reading your post. I knew I should have read it at home! LOL But then I would have to explain the tears to three different boys that just don't understand why Mommy has to cry over silly things, like blogs! So maybe it's a blessing that I'm here and not at home =)

I think you are doing a wonderful job (Auntie D already used fabulous) raising your girls. I am so thankful that you have Mike and Trixie there to help you, but I really miss you guys! Even though we hardly ever saw each other, at least we were in the same STATE!! But I also know that Florida is where you are meant to be. I just KNOW that there are going to be great things for you there!

So Great Job Mommy! Go ahead and pat yourself on the back and kiss yourself in the mirror, or your monitor =) You deserve it!! Lucy you!

Heather said...

Great! Now I'm all teary. Thanks for the encouraging words. I love you and miss you too! Lucy!