I have been dealing with a lot of difficult choices as of late. I feel that I have followed God in a direction that He called me and my family and now that we are here, nothing seems quite right. I have been struggling with that idea, wondering if that means that I didn't really follow God, maybe just my own desires. Then I reflect back to when I heard the calling (this is all about a move to FL, by the way) and Florida was the furthest thought from my mind. Now, I can believe that the enemy would take full advantage of my desperation for an answer at that time and knew that I would be very interested in coming to Florida. I won't say that was the case, but I am open to the possibility. I even prayed at that time that I was hearing from God and that it wasn't a trick of Satan. Okay...

So, here we are in Florida, staying with my brother and sister-in-law who have been more than gracious with us in their home. They are helping me with the girls when I am at work by picking them up from school/daycare, feeding them, putting them to bed, etc. All of the things that I find to be the most exhausting and taxing part of my day. I feel completely blessed by their kindness and generosity. However, it is becoming clearer and clearer that things cannot continue on this way. I know that they must be getting anxious to get their life back and, as much as I am grateful to have a place to rest my head, I am desperate for my own private place.

The problem with needing my own space and giving "M" and "T" back their lives is the financial aspect of it. None of us expected this transition to be THIS hard. I knew it would be difficult and it would take some time to get everything switched over and secured. I just had NO idea that nearly everything I put my hand to would crumble. I only recently got a job at WalMart - that is only officially a seasonal position - and only just got my second paycheck. With daycare and after school care (extended day), that takes the majority of what I make. (I realize that this is not a new or unique problem, nor is it new or unique to me.) To find a place that I can afford to rent has pretty much proven to be impossible. The waiting lists on subsidized homes are crazy long.

I have spent much time asking the question, did I make the wrong choice? Aren't things supposed to at least be a little easier when following God's lead? I mean, why would God call us to Florida and then just leave me hangin'? The whole point of coming was to stay in school for this year and keep on track for finishing up my degree. Well, I'm not IN school? What the Heck?!

So, then I start asking someone who is very wise (you know who you are!) some of these same questions. While I don't expect, or even want, her to have the answers, I know that she seems to have this knowledge and insight into God and His (very strange) ways. As we are talking and I am researching possibilities, I am starting to ask another question. Was I supposed to be out of school this year for a purpose? Is there something that I am to do or learn that couldn't be achieved while I was in school? Because, as I look into getting back in this spring, that door is closed all over too. I won't be getting back into school until fall. Bottom line.

This thought makes things just a little easier, even as I am starting to plan a probable trip BACK across the country to Montana. Oh! Just the word sends longing through every cell in my body. And, it isn't that I don't love Florida and want to stay. I just really miss home. But I digress! I was talking about how maybe, even though this all looks like failure, maybe it is a huge success. I'm not sure really what has happened to make it a success, but I am feeling less like I have failed. And trust me, I was feeling like a HUGE failure face not 2 days ago! Now, even though I am still just as clueless as ever, I am at peace. I have had no revelation of whether I am to go or stay or how to get there either way. I guess the best part of all of this struggle is that there is no easy answer. I say that because if there were an easy answer, as unsettled as I have been, I would have jumped on the easy boat just to get comfortable. Even if I was pretty sure it was the wrong answer. See, I'm a little dumb that way. Maybe that is part of what God is teaching me...

I'm pretty sure that another thing he is teaching me is HUMILITY. (Yeah, thanks Mindy for that confirmation) Oh how I cringe when I type that word! I always thought that in a lot of ways I was/am pretty humble. But, it has been many years since everything I have was provided by another human being (and that would have been my mom and I was still living at home and in high school!). It has broken me. Trust me when I say that it hurt like, well, like hell. Painful as it has been, and I'm sure will continue to be, I am grateful for it because through all of this I have been put in a position to get to know my Jesus more and to experience just the smallest part of what He went through here before he was slaughtered...by selfish, PRIDEFUL, greedy jerks, just like me. I am humbled and I am grateful.

May God's blessing be on you all this week as you prepare to celebrate His birth next week!

Oh yeah! To all of you at home...I'm going to work in capris today! Love you, mean it!